(Me and my Mum walked into Kmart behind a gay couple holding hands.) Mum: Oh my God! Look at th...

Me: Mom, is it true that semen whitens teeth? Mom: Honey, if that were true, then my teeth would...

(Watching T.V.) Voiceover: There's only one thing worse than losing one child at the beach... M...

Step-dad: Don't samba with the cat! Me: Why not? Step-dad: Because she doesn't know how!

Mom: Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Me: Hey Mom, I learned how to say "breakfast" in Russian! Mom: Vodka?

Grandpa: (While holding my grandma's hands) Can I touch you? Grandma: You already are touching m...

*While at a friend's house, joking around* Me: *sarcastically* Yea, I could use some crack weed!...

*Dads weighs himself: 93.4 Kgs* *Weighs himself one hour later: 92.4 Kgs* Dad: That was a good ...