When a cop stops you and says to you "your eyes are a little glassy, have you been drinking", it'...

If your deodorant smells like candy, your two year old sister will probably think it is candy. #LFMF

When your wife asks, "I'm going to bed hun, want to come?" the answer is not, "No thanks, I'm not...

Do never ever watch 'The Ring' 1 and 2, late at night, drinking beer with a buddy of yours. You...

You never realise just how incredibly innapropriate some of your favorite music is until you list...

When holding a surprise party, remember to actually invite the person you're surprising. #LFMF

If you are teaching a little boy to pee standing up, be sure to tell him that he still has to poo...

If administering an epinephrine auto-injector pen, make sure you know the correct end to press so...

If the instant cake mix says, "Mix by hand", it's actually OK to use a spoon to mix it. #LFMF

When your best friends 7 month old daughter is used to playing with her mothers jewelry, you do N...

Don't assume your baby is opening her mouth because she wants more strained peas. You might put ...

When waiting for someone you've never met to pick you up, never assume that the first car that pu...

Before tossing your little cousin in the air, remember that the fan is on. #LFMF

If the recipe says to let the bread dough rise to double in size, make sure the bowl you use is a...

It isn't appropriate to giggle during the eulogy at your father's funeral, even if the person spe...

When skinny dipping, never do a cannon ball if you are male. #LFMF

When running errands and one stop involves going to a bank, and one involved dropping off the fir...

Never try to play air drums and double bass pedal when youre driving a stick shift automobile. #LFMF

If you wake up one morning to find your cat has thrown up on your sleeping boyfriend, it's becaus...

When camping, make sure that you take a flashlight when going pee in the middle of the night. A R...

When demonstrating a forward roll from standing position to your son's cub scout den, make sure t...

To the friends in your car, hitting a large puddle with your front wheel to make a huge wave is a...

No matter how sleepy you are, always make sure that the toy you are about to snatch away from you...

When spinning a toddler around at a high rate of speed for fun, remember that you will become as ...

Do not read zombie books at bedtime, because half-asleep little girls who come looking for a hug ...

When enjoying a weekend without the kids, sweep your bedroom for childrens toys. Hearing the Thin...

When you first meet a girl and learn her name, don't say "Wow, my dog has the same name!" If you ...

When jumping a six foot high fence chasing a baseball, make sure it is not a 20 foot high fence o...

When you find a cute baby mouse in the compost heap, don't show the dog. He may be swallowed whol...