Me: If A rhino and I were hanging over a cliff and you could only save one who would you save, M...

Me: Hey Mom, I learned how to say "breakfast" in Russian! Mom: Vodka?

Mom: I remember when y'all were little, and I would put a blanket on the floor, and tell you it w...

Dad: The Mother-in-law just died. Shop Assistant: Jesus... Your luck must be in! Dad: Yeah! Giv...

(Our neighbor next door has his windows wide open and is talking really loudly on the phone) Mom...

Me: Dad, how would you react if I told you I was pregnant? Dad: Pfft. I'm too young and pretty t...

Grandma: "I can't drive while I'm Drunk". Brother: "You can if you believe in yourself".

(text conversation with my mom) Mom: We are sitting on the porch watching the kitties. Me: Awww...

(My brother had just come out, and i was explaining to my younger brothers what it means to be ga...

(My dad was abouot to get sugery to fix his shattered shoulder) Nurse: You won't see them come i...

My sister bought a leather belt with her name burnt in it, soon after my other sister bought the ...

(My gay friend, Josh, was on his way over to my house. My dad told me to make my bed, but I was b...

(Looking into the freezer) Dad: I'm hungry, but there isn't anything good to eat. Mom: The whol...

My dad, after killing a cockroach: "The worst kind of roach is a COMMUNIST roach."

(While ordering at McDonalds) 6 year old brother: And I want a boy toy in my meal! Mom: (Brothe...

Mom: It's the endtimes... Raining every day in the desert, floods, fires, earthquakes, tornadoes....

*After losing my job I needed to move back in with my parents until I got back on my feet* Me: D...

*After moving away for college, talking with my mom* Mom: How are things? What have you been u...

Mom: What's that thing called that's like a bagel with a hole in it? Me: ... A donut? Mom: *an...