Dad: Sex requires a helmet and knee pads and body armour and a spatula and water wings and a turt...

(after seeing the cat run) Grandfather: Your cat runs like its got a fire work up is ass. Me: H...

Shopkeeper: Where are you from? Dad: Iraq. And you? Shopkeeper: Indonesia. Sorry, where you fro...

(Mom tackle hugs dad.) Mom: I love you! Dad: THIS BITCH IS CRAZY.

Me: So we both found we LOVE Doctor Who and I thought, wow I've made a new friend. Then he asked...

Me: What's for dinner? Dad: Meat. Me: What kind of meat. Dad: Dead meat. Me: What kind of dea...

(While sleeping on the sofa my mom sticks a grape in my ear.) Me: Why did you stick a god damned...

Brother: I'm gay! Mother: Oh I'm sorry dear, didn't you know? Father: What do you want, a cooki...

Mom: The digital thermometer is broken. It says it's 1,015 degrees! Me: No, it's saying it's 10:...

(Upon meeting my boyriend's family for the first time) His Uncle: Well, the last girl he brought...

(We where at the supermarket and my dad grabs a pack of tampons and walks to the counter.) Dad: ...

Me: (After being upset for some unknown reason) Mom? Can I have pudding? Mom: NO! PUDDING IS FOR...

Me: Wait, do you want to be buried or cremated? Dad: I want to be snorted. At a big party. Me: ...

Dad: Where's your mother? Me: I don't know. Dad: It was your day to watch her!

(After trying to sneak up on my step dad who was holding some cheese.) Step-dad: NO! I AM THE CH...

(At a charity walk where they're playing 80s music) Me: Is it weird that I know ALL of these son...

(My mom to the nurse about my brother who is afraid of needles.) Mom: well at least he'll never ...

(While having a girls night with friends and my mom) Me: Let's get some tequila! Mom: Oh no, Mo...

Mom: That's it! You're grounded for two weeks or until you get Tom Cruise in my pants!

(Talking about her doctor's appointment) Dad's Girlfriend: I'm gonna have him look at the thing ...

Mom: You only need two men in your life: Arnold and Jesus. Me: Arnold is a cat. Mom: AND he's ...

Mom: I’m going to sleep in my underwear. Dad: Is that a threat?

Uncle: I want a pet owl. Me: Why...? Uncle: They are so cute, and they eat mice, and they are a...

Me: (Watching Mom make dinner.) How do you make spaghetti? Mom: Well, it all starts when a man a...

(Talking about a school volunteering project via text.) Dad: What are you gonna do for your ser...

Me (Coming home from work in the afternoon) Dad: Lily!! What have you done to my carpet? I've tr...

(Me and my mom talking about a vampire book we are reading) Mom: This vampire is dead, isn't he?...

(A VIP is coming too my school tomorrow.) (After I said I saw no secret service agents) Dad: May...

(My Mom and I are at the bank. Mom walks up to the bank manager.) Manager: How can I help you to...

Dad: While Mom's away, let's become Amish.