After some dick stole my phone in middle school and had the nerve to call my mom and tell her I l...

(Dad and I had discussed me getting an unfurnished dorm for college) Me: So, Dad, I start in abo...

My dad: One day I was in a park, and I saw this person's ass, and I thought "One day I'll marry t...

Me: So why did you marry mum? Dad: West Brom were knocked out of the FA cup. Me: ... So you got...

Driving in New Jersey, I text my dad Me: Just passed gas for $3.71 Dad: Why would anyone pay y...

Me: [Dr.] Kevorkian died this morning! Mom: Oh really? Suicide?

Mom: Today is May 4th and it is Star Wars day, do you know why that is? Me: I don't know know, w...

Mom: Why don't we go to Baskin Robins and get you an ice cream cake for your birthday? Me: What?...

Dad: *takes a bite of my eggs* Me: Dude, you just ate like half an egg! Dad: Oh, you'll get ovu...

(Showing my mom Justin Bieber for the first time) Me: So, what do you think? Mom: Does his baby...

(me and my friend are talking about car insurance) Dad: is anyone else getting a boner?

*Watching Walker, Texas Ranger with my mother* Mum: In Texas, there are no laws; there are only ...