Mom: A cold only lasts for 7 days if you do something about it, and a week if you don't.

Mom: You're gonna start getting your Spanish and German mixed up. You'll be speaking sperman.

Mom: I'm never going to that record store again, they totally disrespected me. Me: How? Mom: I ...

Mum: Of course I love you. Now get lost, Law and Order's on.

Mom: When you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don't come running to me! Me: .....

Mom: I told you 20 times not to drink milk out of the carton! Dad: If you had to tell me 20 time...

Me: These recalls on all these different baby products are ridiculous. Dad: You're right, I can ...

(At a drive through) Dad: Don't you ever just want to smash into the car in front of you right a...

Dad: I don't go skinny dippin'...I go chunky dunkin'.

(My mum, whilst cooking some carrots and peas) Mum: Here smell this! You can really smell the pe...

Mom: Did anyone see my broom. Dad: Why? Are you going somewhere.

Mum: When you have kids I'll be a crazy old lady who teaches them to rub Play-Doh in your hair.

Mum: Katherine, can you hurry up and send me your details so I can book this flight? Me: Like wh...

Me: So how was your day? Dad: My poop was in the shape of a question mark.

Dad: COME OUTSIDE QUICK! (I run outside) Dad: Isn't the new grass nice? Feel it! FEEL IT! (Dad...

(Reading trivia) Mom: Tallest tree: 379.1 feet! Wow! Trees can grow feet?

Mom: Wake up! it's time for school. Me: Mom, I graduated two weeks ago. And today's Saturday.

Mom: You're an alcoholic. Me: What? Mom: Well there was that time you were 15 and you got reall...

Mom: What about bat urine?! Me: I said bad hearing.

Me: Why did you have so many kids? Mom: It's not like I could return them! It's not Walmart!

Me: Mum, please watch where you're going. Mum: If the kids dont like my driving, they should get...

Me: I hate sitting in the front row. We're going to get wet. Mum: A little water never killed an...

(After being asked if he needed a box to carry home my first hamster) Dad: No, I'll just eat it ...

Mom: Why don't you stop getting those violent video games and get a racing game? Me: Then what s...

My dad texts me from a heavy metal concert, "I'd do the mosh thing, but I don't want to break my ...

Talking about Snuggies at dinner: Brother: "They have knock-off snuggies at Walmart called blank...

(while watching a scary movie, they were cutting up a man in the kitchen) Dad: "Wow,that's gr...

Mom: "Did you hear that sound when I was jumping rope? This sound." (jumps) "It's the sound of my...

After almost colliding with me on the stairs. Dad: "Move! i'm missing the short Kardashian and t...

Mom: "You know, gossip is just like a fart. Once it's out you never know where it will spread, or...