I'm going with my mother to Arizona for spring break. Mom: Do you have a fake ID? Me: Um...no...

(My sister, Mom, Dad, and Me sitting at the dinner table) Mom:You girls are smart, So dont marry...

(Me and my Sister fighting in church) Dad: STOP THAT YOU'RE PISSING OFF GOD.

Me: "No no no, if you had a kid right now you'd HAVE to tell him he was adopted. Cause no kid is ...

Dad: You're a 19 year old virgin. dry humping is okay but sleeping over is not happening. Me: so...

Me: What would you do if I was kidnapped? Mom: I'd wait. After an hour they'd bring you back bec...

Me: Mom, what would you say if I told you I was pregnant? Mom: I'd ask how you managed to get a ...

Mum: What's wrong honey? Me: Ugh I feel sick. Mum: Yeah you don't look well. Me: I think it's ...

(While grocery shopping) Mom: Get the Brawny paper towels with the hott guy on it! Dad: That's ...

Mom: So how do I send Aunt Tricia the link? Me: You just copy and paste it into the send box. ...

(got a text from Dad) Dad: How do I answer the phone?? Me: Seriously? You can TEXT me but not a...

*from in the kitchen* Mom: "COME AND LOOK AT THIS POOP!!" Me:"...I don't wanna" Mom: "I DIDN'T ...

While I was watching a show about drag queens: Dad: Wow, she's really pretty. Me: She's a guy. ...

(After straightening my hair) Me: I hate the smell of burning hair. Dad: You know what smells w...

Mom:"Put the cat down. PUT IT DOWN. PUT THE… screw it. It’ll hurt you and that’s how you will lea...

When you're sick, before lying in bed, make sure you put the trash can by your bed. Otherwise, yo...

When texting your girlfriend about how much you want to feel her body against yours, make sure yo...

If you are a med student on an internship, put the candy they handed out away before you enter th...

Hedgehog spines are not as long as porcupine quills. They are, however, just as sharp. #LFMF

No matter how good your little sister claims to have gotten at driving, never let her pull your c...

Slush and ice are very similar until you step on it. Also, never jump on a slush puddle. They wil...

When your cell phone is red, and your apple is red, and both are sitting on the couch next to you...

You know that New Skin stuff? Don't try to make it dry faster. It is REALLY REALLY flammable. #LFMF

Before you resign yourself to the idea that your eyesight is failing, clean your windshield. And...

When about to listen to music with headphones, make sure the volume is turned to a reasonable lev...

Ladies, when bleaching your hair with lemon juice, the carpet doesn't have to match the drapes. E...

Good idea: Buy a chainsaw to cut some nasty brush out of your yard. Bad idea: Buy a chainsaw to ...

Don't watch Life of Brian with your mother unless you're prepared to explain to her exactly what ...

when you're standing next to your running vehicle, don't bother patting your pockets looking for ...

Never EVER leave an unopened soda can in your car. It will explode during the snowpocolypse, and ...