Grandma: All my friends are dead. This is my friend now (Holds up wine bottle)

Dad: Get your lazy butt of that coutch! Brother: Why? There's nothing wrong with it. Dad: You w...

Me:I'm mad at you. Mom:No you're not, you are definitely not mad at me. Me:What? Mom:Shut up!I...

Grandpa: Damn, my hand's getting stiff. Grandma: About time something around here did.

Mom: One day you'll have kids and they will be your karma for being so rebellious. Me: Then I wo...

(After sorting out the internet for mum) Me: So what are you looking at? Mum: Deformed anim...

Dad: Have a good time,and remember never get into a car with strangers unless they offer you cand...

Me: Mom...my eye keeps twitching... Sister: maybe it's because you're stressed... Mom: maybe it...

Dad: If you come back from the movies and you and your girlfriend remember the end of that movie,...

Mom: How many pints in a liter? Me: I don't know mom. Mom:Well then smell this.

Grandma: Well I'm not surprised people from small towns get pregnant, there's not much to do now ...

Mum (after examining me in my halloween costume): You know, i saw a picture of two Spanish prosti...

Grandma: I can be a cheerleader! Come on boys! come on boys! Come and show me all your toys!

Mom: Your vagina is basically just a little swimming pool full of various bacteria! Me: *chokes*

Mom: "Smell it!" *holds up her new underwear* Sister: "Smells like a football!" Me:"If only I n...

Me: Dad, can you make me a Root Beer Float? Dad: My god, what's wrong with you? First I had to g...

Dad: I want my tombstone to say 'He died by the fist.' Mom: What are you talking about? Dad: I ...

(on finding out my teenage cousin is pregnant) Mom: It's days like this that I'm glad your a les...