That cool can opener magnet your parents had since the dinosaurs may have a grudge because of it'...

Never tell your 2nd seeded swimmer that he can push you in the pool if he gets 1st in finals at t...

By the time you've realized that the guy walking against you who very much looks like you is actu...

When attempting to compliment your girlfriend's butt, avoid referring to it as "phat". That is no...

Never brew or (attempt to) drink tea made with catnip in the same house as a pair of cats. #LFMF.

When cleaning in a stable, remember to keep an eye on the cows or they will try to mate with you ...

Don't watch all the episodes of Futurama within an 8 day period. After you finish, you will feel ...

No matter how good you can look for something, there is no 'Like' button right below the e-mail m...

Step 1. Pause or close loud XXX window. Step 2. Unplug headphones. Never mix up that order. #LFMF

When, shortly after waking, you find yourself listening to your mother on the phone, try to avoid...

Girls, here's a tip: If you date a guy and he takes longer than you to get ready, that's a hint. ...

Take the extra two seconds to close your door all the way when going to bed. Cats love to cuddle...

If your mother ever starts talking about nights with full moons while she worked at the bar don't...

When riding Pirates of the Caribbean don't exclaim "There is no WiFi" once you have gone into the...

You may have had a bad crick in your neck since you woke up. You may have also had too much coffe...

Before buying that dog toy, remember that your dog sleeps on your bed, and likes to bring his toy...

When asking for a Mountain Dew, say "Can you hand me a Mountain Dew?" not 'Mountain Dew me.' Your...

When in a live-in working situation where you are greatly outnumbered by the opposite gender, a l...

I went to memebase and saw LFMF. "Haven't been there in a while. I'll read just one page, shouldn...

When speaking to a woman, never look at her chest and say "Ooh, the twins!". Even if the shirt h...

Never fap using body wash as lube. It will end with a very painful piss. #LFMF

Writing the code "S/M" on your hand as a reminder for your science and math homework may seem lik...

When you're in a rush in the morning, make sure you don't accidentally put makeup on your toothbr...

'What's new on your front?' is a good way to start an email conversation with a friend you haven'...

When googling "hard disk image" make sure the s is an s and not a c. Not what I wanted. #LFMF

When opening a package of PopRocks with your teeth, do NOT inhale. You will snort said candy and ...

If you have a habit of sneezing 7-10 times in a row...for the love of god put down your coffee. U...

When taking a bathroom break at work, do not sneeze while using a urinal. Your sneezing reflex wi...

Developing the habit of blowing air out of the side of your lip to express frustration when you'r...

Correct: "I always sing the high part." Incorrect: "I'm always high." Got a good laugh out of i...