Just because you can't hear your own farts while wearing sound-canceling ear buds doesn't mean ot...

Just because it's 6 am and you're in the shower don't assume the banging on the bathroom door is ...

When walking down a crowded hall at your kids' Catholic elementary school, never accidentally dro...

If you're going to read naked in bed, position yourself so that the probability of a boob papercu...

When you are seven months pregnant with your first child, don't yell "oh no! My water broke" if y...

When you say you're into "role playing" make sure you specify you mean Dungeons and Dragons other...

Do not wear sandals to a club full of dancing, jumping, shoving people unless you like the feel o...

Never,ever tailgate 4 Hells Angels on the freeway.

Sometimes the last word of a sentence will get you attacked. Especially when you're surrounded by...

When holding your hamster above your head to check the sex, be sure to keep your mouth firmly shu...

If someone you love proposes to you and you accept, don't then start telling them about the weddi...

Testing a mouse trap by sticking your finger in it is not a great idea. It's a simple locking mec...

Do not leave your mobile phone in a roomful of relatives, grieving your mother's sudden death. E...

A 7 year old child who is locked out of the only bathroom in the house, with the appropriate help...

Just because nobody was home when you got in the shower does not mean that nobody will be home wh...

after moving to a new neighborhood, If your sisters find a full body mouse costume just your size...

When spending the night at a girlfriend's and there's no bedside lamp, grab the flashlight out of...

When planning an outdoor wedding, keep in mind that wind + candles + flowing veil + flammable hai...

If you're going to demolish a big old dilapidated birdhouse with a sledgehammer, check inside fir...

When you need somewhere to hang something in the laundry room, don't ask your husband for "a scre...

If you love her, move across the U.S. and marry her; don't wait. #LFMF

When planning on going on a hunting trip right after work, it is best to leave your rifle locked ...

When attending a science fiction convention plan your wardrobe carefully. If you do decide to go...

If you get your pants wet hunting, take the bullets out before you put them in the dryer.

When an old friend pops up on facebook and you're so excited to see him that you write, "He's ali...

When getting experimental in the bedroom with a new boyfriend, it's good to find out what he migh...

Unless you are Han Solo "I know" is not an appropriate response to "I love you".

When your wife asks you, "If I had one day left to live, how would we spend it?" Buying up all th...

Don't fill a pinata with red candy that can melt, unless you like allot of crying children. #LFMF

No matter how funny you think it is; never shout "Jesus is my favorite fictional character" in th...