Parents

  • When I was 8 and dad was tucking me into bed... Me: Dad is mom coming up to tuck me in? Dad:...
  • (Me playing Plants vs. Zombies) Grandma: Hey! That is a funny game! Those grey guys look like yo...
  • (Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.) Sister: Y'know, I've given up o...
  • Me: I just saw the coolest bumper sticker, it said "My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips"....
  • *Watching Walker, Texas Ranger with my mother* Mum: In Texas, there are no laws; there are only ...
  • (My dad in response to Tyler, the Creator's "Bitch Suck Dick") Dad: Did he just say he's f**king...
  • Mom: The digital thermometer is broken. It says it's 1,015 degrees! Me: No, it's saying it's 10:...
  • (three hours into an 8 hour drive, out of NOWHERE.) Mom: Birds are so weird. They don't have arms.
  • Me: (Watching Mom make dinner.) How do you make spaghetti? Mom: Well, it all starts when a man a...
  • (Before watching Borat, we warned my grandma of the nudity.) Grandma: (while literally sitting o...
  • Me: Welcome home mom. How did work go? Mom: Its so hot outside that my boobs are sweaty. Me: Th...
  • Mom: Wanna go see <i>Winnie the Pooh</i> with me? Me: Mom, I'm 22. Mom: You used to love <i>Win...
  • Dad: I love watching the Food Network when I'm eating. It's like watching porn when you're f***ing.
  • (While making crystals in the kitchen for a science experiment) Grandma: What's she doing in the...
  • Nurse: Are you sexually active? Me: ...I'm pregnant. I said this when I came in. Mom: So is tha...
  • Me: How do they make almond milk? It's pretty good Dad: Almonds have nipples?
  • Dad: How many sides does a triangle have? Mom: That's easy... 2. Dad: WHAT!?! Explain. Mom: 2 ...
  • Mom: You know I hate glitter. Glitter is the herpes of the craft world.
  • Dad: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have Alzheimer's, Cheese on toast.
  • Pregnant Sister: Does smoking pot while pregnant make your baby stupid? Mom: The fact that you j...
  • (Whilst walking past baby clothes in the store) Me:(16 years old) Mom, why don't you have a baby...
  • (At my grandparents' house with my cousin.) Cousin: Grandpa! You got a cell phone?! Can I have y...
  • (We just got a new puppy and Dad is holding a dog treat.) Dad: tell the puppy to sit. Me: Sit. ...
  • Mom: Your cat is like a hard-on. Annoying and you have to pet him a lot to make him go away.
  • *Right after telling my mom that I'm gay* Mom: Well, then I guess I should give you the same adv...
  • Mom: So my friends and I were talking, and we decided that breasts were hot, but that the definin...
  • Mom: Catholic girls are easy. Me: Didn't you go to Catholic school? Mom: Yes.
  • *My sister is talking to her husband's 99-year-old grandpa who has four grandsons, including her ...
  • Mom to Dad, with me in the room: Guess what? Our baby girl has PUBIC HAIR. Me: MOM!!! Dad, laug...
  • Mom always wants grandchildren (I'm 24). Mom: Hey when are you going to have kids? Me: Um... wh...

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