(While sleeping on the sofa my mom sticks a grape in my ear.) Me: Why did you stick a god damned...

Me: Mom, what's that banging noise coming from the laundry room? Mom: That's my shoes having sex...

Dad: (Playing Bomberman and blows himself up) Darn, I'd be horrible at detecting IUD's on the bat...

(My Mom was watching the TV when I joined her. She had no idea I was gay.) Mom: Any nice boys i...

(My dad questioning my sister's date to a Halloween dance) Dad: You ever smoke pot? Date: Yes s...

Me: Mom, I don't want to eat meat tonight. I just got done dissecting a pig. Mom: What? You won'...

(While I'm getting ready for work.) Dad: Hey, did you get some coffee? I don't want your white c...

(Me and my dad sitting on the sofa watching TV.) Me: *Stretching and my shirt comes up a bit.* ...

(After my 4-year-old got in trouble she came up to her father.) 4yr old: Am I on the naughty lis...

(Me brushing my teeth) (Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says) Dad: Swallow! Me: (Spi...

Me: Dad, I can't remember what RNA is! Dad: Remember, RNA is sort of like an aggressive date. ...

(We are Jewish. For those of you who don't know, it's a Christmas tradition for Jews to eat Chine...

If you stumble upon your girlfriend in a public place never run up and grab her from behind. It w...

If you're taking a shower and you have a bunch of long hairs stuck to your hand, and you get rid ...

Correct: I went into narcolepsy mode as soon as I got home. Incorrect: I went into necrophilia m...

When telling the French family you are staying with that you like French bread better than Americ...

Just because you hear weird noises outside your window doesn't mean it's a good idea to look. Yes...

Correct: I just ruptured my ziploc bag containing cherries, and now I have fruit juice all over ...

Advice for all morons out there: Don't drunkenly grope a girl because she's standing by herself a...

When modeling a 3D dragon in the school lab, do not use "I'm boning my dragon" as an excuse for b...

The word "orgasms" is not the plural form of "organism".

Correct: Wow, I'm really out of tune. Hey Tommy, play an F for me. NOT Correct: Hey Tommy, F m...

My brother comes home, and tells me and dad that he just had his first sexual Experience. Our coo...

If a coworker asks you how to spell 'Caucasian,' and you spell it for him, and he hears the first...