(My parents were going away for a week) Mum: Now I don't want any boys staying over while we're ...

Grandapa: For Christmas we'd get a pair of pants with a hole in the pocket. That way we'd have so...

Parent: Your DVD is sitting on the table. Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to rewind it.

Dad: Son, never drink like I did when I was younger. Me: Why? Dad: You'll end up with a son lik...

Dad: I was out back gardening in the field and some guy walked by with a hoe. Mom: What was he d...

Me: Dad, is Mom here? Dad: She broke her leg. We had to shoot her.

Mom: Can you do me a favor? Me: Sure Mom: If you wake up tomorrow... Me: What do you mea...

Dad: All men are assholes. Me: Even you? Dad: ESPECIALLY me.

Me: What's for dinner? Mom: Poison.

(Upon finding out my mom and I were both stoned) Gramma: You guys should smoke more often, you'r...

Mom: We need to talk. Me: Okay. What about? Mom: I heard from a friend of mine about a new drug...

Me: Argh these super tampons really hurt. Mom: You need to get some guy to stretch you out down ...

Sister: Don't we want entertainment for our party, though? Mom: Fine, I'll strip.

(In the midst of a fight) Mom: Now wait a minute there, Smith! Dad: What's this Smith crap? M...

Grandma: (reaching for change that she dropped in between her legs at the drive through window) "...

Me: Oh by the way mum, I got a tattoo. (Mum licks her thumb and tries to clean my arm.) Mum: It...

Mum: You said some very nasty things to me this morning, when I woke you up. Me: You put a power...

Mom: Where'd you get that Monster? Me: The fridge... Mom: That was mine...you hooker.

Mom: Hello I'm the parent of my daughter

(Talking about one of my dads friends.) Dad: He's still looking for a new job. Me: He's that re...

Me: Mum I can't open the door. Mum: I put the child lock on. Me: Why? I'm 28. Mum: You're stil...

Dad: If you get us killed in a driving accident, I will never speak to you again!

(While trying on a dress in a changing room) Me: "I feel so classy right now." Mom: "Yes, you'l...

(Sitting at breakfast) Grandfather: So what do you think about child porn?

Dad: What if guys sneezed out of their penis?

Me: Dad has to shower before he spanks us at pool. Mom: He has to shower before he spanks me.

Mom:When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you limes, get some salt and tequ...

(In regards to a Trojan vibrator comertial) Dad: I know what to get Grandma for Christmas.

Mom: You're not retarded. I had you tested.

Dad: I was so happy when you went on your first date. Me: Why? Did you think i was gay or somet...