My friend: I find it hilarious that you keep your medicine and liquor in the same cabinet. My mo...

Me: Do you want me to put your Snickers in the fridge? Grandma: What? Do you want me to put arse...

Grandma: Well if someone tried to pat me down in the airport I would fart on them.

Mom: It's not a family christmas until there's a gun fight.

Mum: So, whom are you texting? Me: Mum, this is a calculator...

(mom calls on phone) me: hellooo? mom: is there anything within' 5feet of you that you can use ...

*About to go out to dinner with the family* Me: Grandma, hurry up! We're about to leave! Grandm...

Dad: Son, you think like me. Sometimes you think too much, sometimes you think too little, and th...

(Dad hits rumble strips while driving.) Me: What are those for? dad: That's how blind people dr...