(Talking about her doctor's appointment) Dad's Girlfriend: I'm gonna have him look at the thing ...

Mom: You only need two men in your life: Arnold and Jesus. Me: Arnold is a cat. Mom: AND he's ...

(Telling my mum of a clip I had watched on Youtube.) Me: Two guys said that the only proof neede...

Mom: I’m going to sleep in my underwear. Dad: Is that a threat?

(Mom and sister were watching Olympic figure skating and someone did a triple loop.) Mom: I love...

Uncle: I want a pet owl. Me: Why...? Uncle: They are so cute, and they eat mice, and they are a...

Me: (Watching Mom make dinner.) How do you make spaghetti? Mom: Well, it all starts when a man a...

(Talking about a school volunteering project via text.) Dad: What are you gonna do for your ser...

Me (Coming home from work in the afternoon) Dad: Lily!! What have you done to my carpet? I've tr...

Sister: Daddy, before I was born, did you want me to be a boy or a girl? Dad: Sweetie, I didn't ...

(Me and my mom talking about a vampire book we are reading) Mom: This vampire is dead, isn't he?...

(A VIP is coming too my school tomorrow.) (After I said I saw no secret service agents) Dad: May...

(Sitting in the living room with my cousin and grandma while my cousin and I are texting.) Grand...

(My Mom and I are at the bank. Mom walks up to the bank manager.) Manager: How can I help you to...

(Dad and I had discussed me getting an unfurnished dorm for college) Me: So, Dad, I start in abo...

My dad: One day I was in a park, and I saw this person's ass, and I thought "One day I'll marry t...

(Dad is making repairs at my apartment and I'm helping.) Dad: Here, hold this (puts something in...

Me: So I read that mama dogs lick their babies to stimulate them to pee, so I rubbed my puppy's b...

Dad: While Mom's away, let's become Amish.

(My mom is reading the local paper.) Me: Looks like some people were hit by lightning last night...

Me: Dad, I'm bi. Dad: Yeah, I know. Me: ?! Dad: You check out more chicks than your boyfriend ...

Me: Oh look, a weeping willow. (*Dad reaches over and hits me in head*) Dad: Womping Willow

(three hours into an 8 hour drive, out of NOWHERE.) Mom: Birds are so weird. They don't have arms.