(After buying a Harry Potter wand for a friend) Mom: Too bad you didn't spend more so that you c...

Dad is watching a TV show when I walk in. Dad: Don't ever do that to me, son. Me: Do what? Dad...

My dad is white and my mom is black, and I was wearing a striped shirt that day Dad: "You look l...

Mom: I learned how to swim when someone took me out in the lake and threw me off the boat. Me: M...

Mom: Be good. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, name it after me.

(to the waiter serving us at a diner) Dad: you wanna buy my daughter, i'll sell her to you for f...

Dad *about video games): Ah, the good old days when people had corners...

(My mum is about to go to the bathroom) Me: Can you take my iPod with you when you get back? Mu...

Me: Mom, you have a text message Mom:(Raises it to ear) hello? Me:Mom...it's a text

(As i'm walking into the kitchen) Mom (to my dad): "You can't just put ketchup in someones armpi...

Mom: Hey, how about a quickie? Me: What? Mom: Massage! I meant massage!