(to my fiance and i before our wedding) Grandaddy: now, i don't believe in premarital sex, but if you're going to do it, there's a bed in the basement." my fiance and i: ....
(my mom talking to us about starting the laundry) Mom: Make sure you wet the water. Brother: Do what? Mom: You know...wet the water. With the liquid. Me: Do you mean use detergent? Mom: Yeah, that's what I said.
Me: I'm adopted Mom: I'd hate to say it, but you're not adopted. Me: Fine, I'm the milk man's kid. Dad: Oh no, your adopted, they just didn't want you, so they returned you.
(After telling my father that I'm gay) Dad: Well you know that not every girl is right for every guy. Maybe you should go out and "practice" with a few girls. Me: Are you telling me to sleep around? Dad: Don't tell your mother.
Sister: Did someone just call me an idiot? Grandma: No, but we're all thinking it.